I have all these big ideas that I keep back-burnering in lieu of life in general. I realized this morning that I’m not taking time lately…for me…to do what I enjoy.
I feel like I’ve been running from one fire to the next, taking just enough time to put it out before I move on.
I’ve been out of balance with my own mind, body and spirit, and disconnected to the world around me.
I used to get up for the day at 5AM, to meditate and stretch every morning. I went for daily walks for exercise and to ground and center myself. I would delve deep into a creative process of making something – out of wood, out of cloth, out of fiber, with paint or pencils. I don’t do that anymore…any of it…not like I used to.
No one made me stop – I just gave in to laziness. I chose not to meditate and stretch and walk. I chose to sleep in. I chose to sit on the couch. I chose my cell phone over actually DOING something.
I admit it – I have little to no clue what has been going on in the world around me, either socially or politically, for the last seven months. I tell myself, “I have a baby, I don’t have time.” But that’s not true, it’s just more of me being lazy.
This morning, I listened to the song Morning Sun, sung by the lovely Laura Thompson Brady of The Nourished Home. I don’t know Laura personally, but I enjoy reading her blog, as she has a very peaceful way of writing, of processing her daily life and the world around her, and sharing it.
Morning Sun stuck with me today. It made all the jumbled thoughts in my head stop for a moment, to give me clarity and make me realize just how out of balance I’ve been feeling. Every other time this feeling would start to bubble up, I would push it aside for some other pressing matter. But this morning, there it was, hovering in front of me as a tangible entity, letting me know that if I keep going like this, I’ll cease to be me. I won’t be an effective force in my own life. To be the individual, the wife and the mother that I want to be.
I know that I’m the only one who can change this. I know that I need to be more present and I know how to do that…but it’s the changing of the mindset to do what I know needs to be done. This is where I struggle, because it is so much easier to sit down on the couch and stare at my phone than it is to get up, wake up, make a move to change and keep up with my follow through.
This is where I am today.
This is where I need to start, to make my change.